Being resilient through challenging times with Kate Ruby Aroha

Do you ever look at other business owners online and think, damn they are lucky, they don’t have any challenges to deal with?

In today’s episode, I chat with Kate Ruby Aroha about how comparing yourself to others online isn’t helpful and how to make sure you keep on going and never give up, even when times are challenging.

In this Episode:

03.27: From drug addiction and anxiety to successful business entrepreneurship
14.35: How Kate boldly put herself out there and opened doors with tenacity
20.08: How Kate built a leadership business on reputation and how she structures her team differently
25.03: The ongoing challenges of business life and the joy of leaving the “silk-sheets lifestyle” behind
30.00: How Kate’s desire to give, give, give led to a failed program (and how she re-created it suit her and her business)
34.21: How to deal with comparison-its and enjoy the journey

Links:

Guest Bio

Kate Ruby Aroha is the founder of SHE LEADS LIVE, New Zealand and Australia’s largest women’s leadership and empowerment event. She’s a senior trainer with 17 years’ experience, has led government contracts that cause national change, and has spent a decade leading advanced leadership experiences throughout New Zealand, Australia and Southeast Asia.

Kate has personally smashed through major glass ceilings again and again, demonstrating all that she stands for in being able to rewrite our own futures.

These days Kate is a highly regarded leadership trainer and business consultant. As a sought after speaker, she’s well known for her down to earth teachings and bullshit-free approach to creating breakthrough results.

Transcript

Do you ever look at other business owners online and think, damn they’re lucky, they don’t have any challenges that they have to deal with. If you are guilty of that, you are going to love today’s episode of the podcast. Today, I’m chatting to Kate Ruby Aroha about how comparing yourself to others online isn’t helpful and how to make sure that you keep on going and never give up even when times are challenging. I loved this conversation and found it so inspiring, and I’m sure you will too.

 

Hello and welcome to The Clare Wood Podcast, where myself and incredible guests share about money mindset, financial successes, and how to manage your money in a fun and practical way to create wealth and abundance in both your business and your life. I’m your host, Clare Wood. I’m a business coach and a money mentor. I strongly believe that money has the power to positively change the world. I can’t wait help you transform your mindset around money, create a love of numbers and build the business of your dreams so you can live a life of financial freedom, giving, and global impact.

CLARE:

Welcome to the podcast, Kate. It is such an honor to have you here. I first saw you actually when I came along to your conference. I hadn’t even heard of you before then. I’ve been following your journey ever since. So it’s such an honor to have you here on the podcast. Before we dive into today’s episode, can I get you to introduce yourself and share a little bit about what it is that you do?

KATE:

Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me here, I’ve already had a good laugh with you and I’m looking forward to this conversation. So nice to meet everyone. My name’s Kate Ruby Aroha. I am the founder of Australasia’s largest women’s leadership and empowerment event, and it’s been a hang of a journey to get here. I never saw this in my future, but it really was just taking, I’d say one step at a time. And this is part of the conversation that we’ll actually be talking about today is how to take one step at a time, even when you’re facing things, even when perhaps you are having self-doubt, because my background seriously was chronic social anxiety. I struggled to talk with people like even just on a basic one-to-one basis and it’s been a journey, it really has been a massive journey to get to where I now, where I’m talking on stages of a thousand people, running my own really, really large events, and now I’ve been running events for a decade. But those events started with like four people in the room where I had diarrhea the night before, because I was so terrified of speaking in front four people. And so, you know, least talk about all of that, but yeah, thank you for having me. And that’s kind of what I want to share in a bit of a nutshell to kick us off.

CLARE:

Amazing. And thank you for diving straight in and sharing that because as someone who’s seen you speaking on stage, I thought you were just the most confident, well spoken person, and this is what I want really want to dive into in today’s episode is how it’s really easy to look at someone else, look at their journey, look at where they’re at and think that they don’t struggle. So what we might do, let’s go right back, way, way back, if you don’t mind, and let’s share a little bit about your journey, about your life in the lead up, up to when you first got started in business.

 

From drug addiction and anxiety to successful business entrepreneurship

 

KATE:

Yeah, I’m a Kiwi if you can’t tell by my voice. There was a point in my life where I had a drug addiction. I was addicted to methamphetamine and I had anorexia and bulimia and I already said social anxiety. So that was, I guess when I hit my rock bottom from all of those finally that was like the rock bottom that I couldn’t go any further and I had to make a decision. So it was from there that there was an actual moment where I was lying on the ground, unable to move, and I had a needle hanging out of my arm and that was when I just, I thought I was going to lose my life that night. So there was a little bit of praying going on, some desperate prayers to get through it. And just really I guess a decision because I remember just absolutely been gutted with myself like gutted, like holy crap. I actually thought I had more in me than this. I really genuinely thought growing up, you know that feeling like, I think we’ve all got it, I think we’ve all got that feeling in the background of I’m here to do something special. And I don’t know about you guys, but for me, that voice sometimes got quite quiet over the years, but it was just there as a whisper, yet there was a lot of other noise that was really like a crap ton louder than it. But I guess it was in that moment, lying on the ground, things got quite still that that voice broke through and was able to finally break through all the other big noise that was going on. And I was like the most gutting, heartbreaking feeling of, yeah, I could have done something with my life, I really could have. So my prayer was look, if I’m allowed to live past tonight, I’m going to use my experiences to make a difference. And, and I’m going to make meaning out of this and those weren’t my exact words, but that was the theme. And so that was what it ended up being. Step by step, day by day, month by month, those first few months were literally just about starting to function again as a human. It was really like doing the dishes was challenging, it would take me hours to do a small pile of dishes and I had to lie down in between each like knife and spoon and lie on the ground to recover. But it’s really, really beautiful what can actually happen for us when we kind of do like one spoon at a time or one step at a time in our lives, we can move ourselves just forward bit by bit.

 

I really think, Clare, that there’s so much pressure we put on ourselves to be a lot further along than what we are or to get things really fast, like now I need to have a big break through my business like this month, I need to have this like this week, whereas if I look back over the years that it’s taken me to get to here, I guess what I’ve really, something that stands out for me is that we can get really anywhere that we want to get that’s within I guess the design of what we are called for, and I feel like we are all called for something and we can get there when we actually play the long game for it. And this is, I would say the biggest part of what I play is the long game. I want to use my life so fully during my lifetime, and I’m okay if that takes a few years to play out where I’m supposed to get to. So, over the weeks, over the years, things just kept unfolding and I would say during the different seasons of getting to where I am now, what we did was, and when I say we, my boyfriend at the time was the person I rang that night to come and help me. And he’s now my husband 18 years later, which is pretty cool. And we’ve been through a lot of seasons because who we were back then was a match for each other. I’ve painted a little bit of a picture of where I was at. Well, he was a pretty good energetic match for that too. And so we’ve really had to go through a lot of recreating and lifting the standards for ourselves and each other and the relationship and our future and what we deserve over the years. But when I say we played each season fully, as in with where we’re at the time, with the skills we had at the time, with the capacity we had at the time, we just played fully and pushed the edges of where we could get to then, and that led into really opening up new doors, and then we’d walk through those new doors and then we’d play that kind of next level fully, fully, fully as terrifying as what it was at times. I felt uncomfortable for most of this journey. And I think I want to sort of drop a pin on that piece because it’s so easy to think, oh, must be easy for you because look at how you are doing it. Or compare where we’re at to where other people are at, where we think they’re at. But actually when you are requiring yourself to step up and step up and step up what naturally comes with that is often fears and self-doubts and the obstacles or challenges that come along the way. So I guess I just want to say that, however, if you are sitting there listening to this conversation and wherever you are at in your life at the moment, if you are feeling challenged or you’re feeling a bit insecure about yourself or you’re feeling doubtful of whether you can do whatever you’re facing at the moment or the next step you’re wanting to step into, I just want you to know that that’s actually really normal to feel like that. Everyone feels like that, and the only thing that’s going to have you nudge yourself through to the next level and then start developing that next level as your capacity is by just like deeply, deeply, deeply believing in yourself and believing that you’re not seeing that next level by accident. You’re seeing that next level because it’s actually there for you and the self doubts and those little stories in our head, they actually mean diddly squat.

Like if I put a microphone on what my voice says, even just before this conversation just popped randomly into my head, oh God, what have you got to share today? You know? Because I’ve got this background loop of, and then I just realised, I haven’t even let you get a word in yet, Clare, but I’ve got this background loop, my little old background loop is you’re not as smart as what you think you are, Kate. And my mom, God bless her because she’s an awesome, awesome human being, she used to say that to me as a kid to try and encourage me to do better. She used to say, “Look, Kate, you’re not as smart as what you think you are. You only think you’re really smart at the moment because you’re in a school where other people are struggling. But actually if you were in another a school, you’d be super damn average.” Thanks mom. I love it though. It’s so funny. She said that to encourage me, however, it has become this like little tape recorder in my head of, you’re not as smart as what you think you are Kate, you haven’t really got much to say. So when I went to even put my name to hey, I would love to create this experience for women where 300 women in the room, 500 women are in the room and everyone just gets so present to I’m so amazing as I already am, and the self doubt means diddly squat, and then with that kind of just sorted and just door closed on that, now what do I want to go do with my life? Like what do I want to go create, contribute to, cause, play with? Because I think so much of that energy is spent trying to overcome our self doubt, whereas I don’t know, it’s not going away so let’s just get over that and now start putting our energies into creating. So I wanted to create that as an event, but then I had to come up against my own little background loop of, but you are not as smart as what you think, Kate. Or, you’re going to screw up there, you’re going to do something wrong. And it was just actually scary as it has been this whole journey. But the only thing I’ve learned is that when we get these feelings or these, these things on our heart of, I would love to do that. Wouldn’t it be cool if man, that’s a great green flag, eh? Wouldn’t it be cool if, it’s like, well, it doesn’t matter how I feel or if I feel afraid, I’ve just got to do it anyway. And just trust that we can walk it out. We can walk it out.

And it took about 14 months to walk it out till we got to the point of from saying, that’s what I’m creating to our first event with 304 women in the room, celebrity speakers, and that 14 months leading to there, I had to walk it out with everything it took from a logistical perspective, but also from an internal perspective of 14 months of seeing myself able to deliver at that level and trusting myself and pre seeing it actually, visualizing it, so that when I actually walked into the room on the day, I was like, yeah, I’ve been here before. This is what we’re doing. And there was an exciting feeling rather than a terrified feeling during that weekend, but it took 14 months to get there. But now that’s within my capacity. So the next we are going for a thousand women in the room. You can just play your next level, do it, lift the standard, lift the standard, lift the standard.

All right. I’ve talked enough, Clare. I’m going to throw it back to you.

CLARE:

No, it’s all good. I’m loving everything that you’re sharing, Kate. And you guys wouldn’t have known because obviously you’re just listening. But I was sitting here with tears streaming down my face when Kate was sharing about that moment and saying I am meant for something special, and I truly resonated with what you said, Kate, because I believe that everyone is capable of creating an amazing life, of creating amazing impact, but a lot of people don’t take that step because exactly what you’re talking about because of the little voice in the head, because they’re scared and not actualising what their potential is. So thank you for unlocking that and empowering people to say no matter where you’re at right now, you can create an incredible life. And I love that message.

So, okay, you’ve shared right from the beginnings a little bit about where you were at. In that moment, so you said that in that moment, you said, if I get the chance to survive, I’m going to do something special. How long did it take until you actually made the decision to start your own business?

 

How Kate boldly put herself out there and opened doors with tenacity

 

KATE:

Oh, there was several years. There was a lot in that. So that day, and then I would say a couple of … I’m just trying to think, a few years later, so I was a registered nurse at that time, I’ll put that part in. And so once I got myself well, I went back to nursing, but then I saw an opportunity nursing wise and I sort of just want to show you sort of how these things can just unfold and unfold and unfold when we just keep following the next door that’s opening. So I was nursing as a medical nurse and then an opportunity came up as an advertisement for a clinical nurse educator. And I remember just thinking, oh, I would love that. And I thought, you know what, I’m just going to apply for it. I’m just going to really make it happen for myself. And so I applied for that and I massively talked myself into the role. They had that you had to understand project management, you had to have project management skills, I had to Google what project management was. And I was like, oh, I’m just going to talk myself into that. And I just like, oh yeah as a kid, I used to live on an orchard when I grew up and there was this big packing shed, and I was like, yeah, I used to manage that packing shed when I was a teenager, and I freaking did, but I used these as ways to describe how I’ve project managed. Now I had to Google that word because I didn’t even understand what it was, but once I understood the concept I showed in that interview how I’ve done that. And then the other thing that you needed, speaking skills, you needed all that, I hadn’t done that at that point, but I’d done drama at school. I had been an aerobics instructor.

So here’s the thing, in my interview I just talked the crap out of it. They ended up giving me the job. And a few months later they actually said, “Kate, we actually realized you were the least qualified out of anyone that had applied.” However, they said, “You had this level of tenacity that wasn’t present elsewhere. And we were like, we have to bring this girl on and just give her a chance because we think she’s like a dog with a bone.” And it’s funny because now I’ve got a large team and that’s exactly the thing that I look for, is I look for that tenacious attitude where, you know if you give someone something they’re going to it out, they’re going to run with it. They’re going to innovate. They’re going to create.

And so I got that job because of that attitude, and then in that role, I worked myself up to a really great standard, the work I’d done, and I was Googling things madly in my office trying to figure stuff out, but after a couple of years, the work I did actually got nominated for a health award, and I think it’s just that tenaciousness. So I think this is a really important piece for people to really get, you don’t have to have the skills, you don’t have to have the understanding, but this tenacity that when we are willing to allow ourselves to have the audacity to connect with it, because it’s kind of like a bit of an audacious sort of thing, to just boldly put ourselves out there, especially when there can be background noise of, oh, who are you, too. So anyway, that led me to, I ended up getting a couple of national contracts for the work that I did and then was within a couple of years working with government contracts and creating projects on a national level and rolling them out.

But it was just that same tenacity that kept getting applied. Meanwhile, in the background, my husband and I started fulfilling on that promise that I made lying on the ground where I started thinking like, how can I make a difference? And again, I didn’t have coaching skills or anything back then. So we just started inviting people around to our house and opened our door to people like on I think it was a Wednesday night for two years and people would come in, and the only skill that we had is we thought, what if we just listened to people as their biggest selves and just loved on them. And we did that for two years and that actually is where the coaching business evolved from. So we started running then little group programs from our house. We started running little coaching sessions as I started to learn to become a coach. But it’s interesting because I was doing all of it for free for a few years at home, at night times when the kids were in bed and on the weekends while I had this big national career and I never actually thought, oh yeah, I’m going to do this big, this is going to be my business. This is what I’m going to get paid for. It was just trusting where I was being called and then playing that season out fully. And then it got to the end of that season and we had our little programs was full, our coaching was full. I was like, man, I need to really start getting paid for this because I’m doing it in my spare time and I’m exhausted. So that’s when I resigned from my job and actually resigned the week I was offered the nursing manager’s position. A dream career, my parents were mortified that I was given this big position and then resigned to chase this ridiculous idea of coaching. And they didn’t get over it for 10 years until I produced The She a couple of years ago that they were like, “Oh, congratulations, I think you’re doing quite well.” But I think that’s really where the business came from. It just started, it was evolving and it was just the next most step after we’d already been kind of in the realm of helping people for a few years.

CLARE:

Yeah. Amazing. So maybe we can then take it from the humble beginnings. Can you really toot your horn here, tell us where your business is at right now.

 

How Kate built a leadership business on reputation and how she structures her team differently

 

KATE:

Pretty cool. Things are going great. Things are going really good. I think the thing is with the way in which I’ve run my business, it’s got an incredible reputation to the point where we are selling, like the revenue into our company is really great and I very rarely even have to sell. So that’s probably a slightly different business model, but I think that’s because of the great work that we’ve done over the years and the great relationships and trust, and a big thing for me has been about running a business with massive integrity and a result of that is that the business is thriving and has a great reputation. And we are able to be working towards creating our next event with a thousand women in the room. And I see a vision of where this leadership experience that we’re creating is synonymous down this end of the world with the word leadership. If you look up leadership in the dictionary, down this end of the world, you’ll see our little event, which it will be a very big event next to it. So I see we’re already well on that path. And then also I see a huge vision of what I want to, I’m 40 now, just turned 40, of what I want at actually impact and create and grow over the next couple of decades. So while I’m thrilled with where we’re at now, I also see a much bigger vision that I’m not sitting on my laurels or sitting on my hands at the moment.

CLARE:

That’s so exciting. And you’ve got, what did you say your team size is now?

KATE:

We’ve actually gotten a bit smaller. We had a team of 12 and now we’ve got a team of six. We’ve actually got a smaller team, but more qualified. So yeah, we’ve got, I mean, it’s a decent sized team, six women who are highly incredible women, great tenacious attitudes, that’s what I always look for when I’m employing. And I guess the structure of the team is really different, the structure of how I do business is a significant shift. So I’ve got two roles in our company. One is the CEO and the other one is the thought leader. So now as I’m sitting here doing this podcast interview, this falls under my thought leader role. The other role is a CEO role is where I then connect sometimes with the team to have a touch base on, let’s say where the vision is going to, but on the whole, the team run the entire business. And it’s really different, I’d say that has taken many, many, many years to get to where we’re at now. So I’ve got an incredible operations manager. She’s full time, she’s a Kiwi, and she then has a team of women who work underneath her and they each, so we’ve got a business model that’s laminated on an A4 four piece of paper, and on that has every part of the business model with KPIs attached to everything and names attached to everything with who does what, and who’s responsible and accountable for what, and then Kia, who’s our ops manager, managers that. So it’s really cool and different to I guess how my experience was years ago, where I was responsible for a lot of things and a lot of things were on my back and on my accountability. So now most of my week is pretty freed up. I only have, like today as an appointment day, I have an appointment days every two weeks, the rest of the time is completely free because even our programs, we don’t keep pulling out new programs. We’ve got our core programs that are delivered and they’re all built out and they run like clockwork. So yeah, that’s kind of where our business is at. And it gives me a lot of freedom to do the thinking work and to do the forward momentum work that we are doing to keep moving to where we are moving to over the next five to 10 years.

CLARE:

Yeah. Wonderful. And I came along to that event that you spoke about and it was just incredible, like the energy in the room, the transformation, the speakers were incredible. So let’s have a little bit of a chat.

Someone looking in from the outside can think, and you touched on this before, that person’s got it easy or look at where they’re at, I bet you they have no more challenges anymore. Can we dive into that a little bit? People often seem a bit surprised if I tell them, oh I had a failed launch this year and they’re like what? And I’m like, yeah, it happens to people at all stages of their business journey. So I’m wondering if maybe you’d mind sharing a little bit about are you at the destination? Do you still struggle? And any tips that you’ve got for people that might be earlier on in their business journey perhaps, and thinking when I get to that stage, things will be easy, or whatever it might be.

 

The ongoing challenges of business life and the joy of leaving the “silk-sheets lifestyle” behind

 

KATE:

There’s so much that I want to say about this. Am I at the destination? No, because there is no destination. In my head, there is absolutely no destination to get to where things are then going to be all happy, great, and I’m going to get onto cruise control. I want to actually say a little bit about that. I think there is this big idea that yeah, I’m get to a place and things that are going to be easy. Now here’s the thing, there is actually a crap ton of flow in my life and I’ve really created that and I’ve created the structures for that and I’ve created the internal support for that. However, there are challenges I come up against as well, and I wouldn’t want to live a life with no challenges because if I was, it means that I’m not creating at a new level.

There’s this thing, it’s like the silk sheets lifestyle, people are always wanting to get to a place where they’re financially free, they’ve got everyone doing things for them and then there’s nothing for them to do, and then they’re just going to kind of retire. You have no idea how boring that is, like desperately boring. We’ve got everything outsourced, literally everything. I’ve got a housekeeper, the I don’t cook, I just had my hairdresser here this morning. Like if you just actually have all of your life fully taken care of, and you’ve got nothing to create, it’s extremely, desperately boring. If you actually look at, I know we’re going in a slight tangent, but I think it’s an important conversation that I haven’t really heard people talk about. If you look at people that are famous, that when they were getting to where they wanted to get to, they have grit and drive, and there was a certain creative element that came from that, that the art, whether it be music or whatever it was that they created was of a really interesting quality. But then when they got to a certain point, I look at Eminem, the rapper, his music as he was coming up was outstanding. Now that he’s got, the thing that drove him to get to where he is isn’t there anymore, and his music is of a different quality now. There’s a lot of people that have talked about it, and I heard someone refer to it as the silk sheets lifestyle of when you get everything you need, if that was the only thing that you were going for, then your drive is gone and it’s really different. Now you can get all of the amazing abundance coming through. If your heart is about creating, then you can keep creating from that space. Does that make sense? So for example, where we’re at now, we could easily just go onto cruise control and just kind of muck around and have our life become smaller because I don’t really have to work in the way that I do, and I don’t have to keep pushing the edges of what we are creating over the next 20, 30 years. I could literally just be in cruise control and so could my husband. But there really is no joy there in that. It’s a bit fun for a while, but after a bit of time you go, what do I want to create, contribute to, make a difference, make it impact, produce? I think we are such creative creatures that we actually need to be creating from a place of expansion.

So based on that, yeah, I think it’s important to consider. So that means that then where you are at at the moment in your journey, and if you are pushing, pushing, pushing, actually that part of where you’re at in the journey is actually really valuable, it is so deeply valuable. And it’s easy to think when you’re in the middle of it, oh, I just have to rush through this part and try to get to the place where I’m successful. And then you discredit and discard all of the freaking juicy ups and downs and learning and twisted sideways part and snot crying moments. And the thing is, is that we often think it is a destination. It genuinely isn’t. As cliche to what it sounds, it actually is the journey along the way. Yeah.

CLARE:

Yeah. A hundred percent and a lot of the billionaires and millionaires and everything around the world, they don’t stop working. The people who are truly successful, they’re so driven by what it is that they’re doing and creating that retiring just isn’t an option. And it’s definitely, guys, this is something interesting to spend some time exploring is to journal and say, what would I do if I never had to worry about money again for the rest of my life? And if it’s not what you’re doing now, then you’re doing the wrong thing.

 

How Kate’s desire to give, give, give led to a failed program (and how she re-created it suit her and her business)

 

KATE:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you asked before about something about what we are going through at the moment, last year was a really big shifting year for me, where I realized something that I hadn’t ever seen before about myself, and it was quite impactful. So last year in response to the pandemic, I remember thinking, shit, I just really want to help. I want to help. And so I created this program, which was so ridiculous where I just gave everything of what I could for absolute peanuts, and I charged like next to nothing for it. I charged like $37 a month for it, and I gave all of my leadership trainings. I gave, they had access to everything. They got a new training for me every single day. Because I had this idea of I just want to help, I just want to make a difference if people are really struggling, I don’t want to make it financially challenging for people. I just want anyone to access it.

Interestingly enough, a few months into it, things started feeling off with it, and I was like, oh, of what’s going on? And then I just kept delivering it and I thought, okay, something is not working here. Something is off the culture of the community, also, not the entire community, but the culture of the community was very different to anything I’ve ever experienced before, and to the point where people had sort of gotten trained, I guess, because as a give, give, give in it, I think people got trained in I’m just going to get, get, get. So it became quite a demanding culture for a number of the people in there to the point where I was getting messages from people about complaints about what they needed more of in there, what they wanted less of, and I was shocked.

Here I am kind of pouring my soul out, but I got from that and I think this is a useful, I hope this is a useful conversation for people, what I got from that is, oh, I had been doing this excessive helping behavior, like this almost toxic. Now I on the grand scheme of things, I just wanted to help make a difference, but it was like excessive helping. And so I realized, what do I really, if I step back, what do I really want to do? I want to see people step into their leadership. Now me doing excessive helping behavior, does that actually call people to step into their leadership? No, no. It can actually create passivity. So I had to deal with that. That was a big, big, big, big thing that first of all, I had to clean up on the inside of me and really align myself to what am I stand for? And it’s still about, I want to make a difference, but I had to fine tune that a bit so it was more of an expansive calling people into their leadership versus I just want to help.

So I had to clean up that within myself. Then I had to clean up that within the community, and I had to close down that community and what, I didn’t have to, I chose to close it down and recreate a new community at a new pricing structure that really valued my service and my experience and didn’t have me continually creating, had me create once, and then that content was all created forever. And that worked really well, but I had to do it. It was a big transition. It was a transition, it was painful. I didn’t enjoy that process, but I came out of it with new perspectives, new understandings and I guess a new system and structure on multiple levels. So I wanted to bring that little bit of conversation here because yes, I talked about how things are going really smooth for us and they are, but also we always have things that we are growing, learning, and if we’re actually paying attention in our lives and we are paying attention into where do we want to grow into and what’s currently happening, that’s not working. Then we can see the bread crumbs of what needs to be shifted.

CLARE:

Yeah. I love that. So if people are watching others in the industry, they’re watching other people and they’re thinking, I want to get to that place and they’re not getting there at the speed at which they hoped they had. What are your thoughts about how they can sort of stop that comparisonitis, and really enjoy the journey like you were talking about before?

 

How to deal with comparison-its and enjoy the journey

 

KATE:

Yeah. Well, one, it’s actually important that you do that. So I just want to highlight the fact that everything Clare has just said, it’s actually crucial that we do it. It’s crucial that when we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others and as a result feeling shitty, then we just actually recognize that that is what we are doing, and we’ve got to start cutting that out. I love looking to other people that are further along for inspiration of what’s possible. There’s a woman that I just love watching her stuff. Her name’s Lori Harder, a little shout out to Laurie. She is extremely successful, multi, multi multimillion dollar millennia, and she is now founding a billion dollar company. And I’m just like, oh, love it. I’m cheering for her because I’m like, thank you so much for just raising the bar and showing everyone what’s possible. And she’s shares along her journey of how fricking scary it is, she just raised a $2 million investment round and just had doubt the whole time, but still did it. I’m just cheering for her because I’m like, yes, you’re showing us that you can go, yeah, I’m going to create a billion dollar company and I’m going to figure it out and I’m just going to boldly do it.

So I think there’s a huge difference between looking at people who are ahead to get inspired, to lift your vision, to raise the bar. I adore when I see people sharing about their big multimillion dollar launches. I just love that because I’m like, yeah, this is awesome. So, get really excited and inspired about seeing people and other women who are really playing it big. However, if you start comparing yourself, that’s the part that you’ve got to either cut out, and do whatever it takes to cut it out. And if it means stop looking at this stuff, please stop looking at this stuff. Don’t ever look at stuff that makes you feel shitty. There’s enough of that that’s just kind of base programmed into us that we don’t need to feed it anymore. Feed yourself with things that help you feel empowered, that remind you of your capacity and your abilities to cause change, because we each have it. It’s been built into us. I mean, we’ve talked about that little background loop and that little kind of shitty dialogue that can be ingrained. Absolutely. But also I believe what’s been built into us is tenacity and capacity. I’ve just realized those two words rhymed and I think that’s pretty cool. But there’s so much that’s ingrained into us. That’s exactly what we need for the ride and for whatever it is that we are called to. And we’re all called to things that are really unique. On that little note, I remember a few years ago, I was coaching this beautiful Indian woman in Auckland, in New Zealand. She said to me, “Kate, I really want to make a difference to Indian immigrants in Auckland. Ah, but I don’t think I should. I don’t think I’m good enough.” And I’m like, seriously? I said, “Look, I want you to get the fact, I’ve never once woken up in my life going I really want to make a difference to Indian immigrants in Auckland. It’s not the thing, it’s not the dream that was put in my heart. I have other dreams that are pulling me. You are getting this vision because it was custom built for you.” Oh my God. Like we’ve really have to each get that. We get these visions that are custom designed for us, and our jobs are to actually radically trust the things that we are being called to and really getting that other people aren’t seeing this. And we do have the abilities and the capacity for the things we are seeing. And that’s the piece that we have to trust. And there is a piece, there’s a faith piece for sure. And we may not know how to do the whole thing. In fact, you won’t. You won’t know how to do the whole thing. You know, Lori, my friend who’s creating this billion dollar company, she has no idea how to pull it off, but she knows the next steps. She knows, she has enough also confidence within her that she’s developed over the years because she’s kept pushing herself to the next level and the next level that this confidence that she’s developed outweighs a little bit, most of the time, the doubt that comes up. And I think that’s where we’ve got to get ourselves to, is get enough going in this to get some experience on the court to start building that confidence. So the confidence underneath starts growing to start counteracting the doubt that always does come up at your next level.

So for me, it’s not about eliminating self doubt because I’ve just made a decision number of years ago I’m going to stop with trying to get rid of it. It’s going to be there. I don’t care. But what I’m doing is I’m building more and more confidence, and confidence comes through experience and experience comes through putting yourself on the court and requiring yourself to do the thing that feels a bit scary, but you’re called to, you’re going to do it anyway and on the other side of it, you’re going to celebrate the pants off yourself. So did you notice that all of that had nothing to do with looking at someone online and comparing yourself and make yourself feel like shit? That’s a different conversation. So when you notice yourself doing that, chop it out, cut it out, and shift your focus into something else. Actually when I say chop it out, just acknowledge yourself, shift your focus somewhere else, shift your focus to your abilities, what your dreams are and have faith and trust that you’re exactly where you need to be in the season that you’re in.

CLARE:

I’ve got this line that, she was a client of mine actually, she’s a psychologist, and she says it and it just resonated with me so much, and it’s, “Is this a helpful thought?” And I often say it to clients, I often think it myself, and when those fears do come up, when the insecurities come up, when the comparisonitis, the lack of self-worth it’s like, is this a helpful thought? Perhaps not.

KATE:

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then it’s just a matter of it’s okay if those not helpful thoughts are there, but we just don’t have to chase them down like ducks, like just leave it there. It’s like what thought could you shift yourself towards instead? And for me I found that a lot more useful because I don’t want to try and waste my time eliminating those unhelpful thoughts, it’s just easier on your system to just redirect your thinking and start nudging yourself. This is a really micro conversation now, but starting nudging yourself towards some more helpful, useful thoughts. And even if you bring it down to such a micro level of what’s one thought that I could start thinking that would be supportive of me? And then just start thinking that. And then start feeling the energy of that thought because thinking and words have energy with them, the energy that goes with I’m not where she is, and I now start feeling like shit, that has a massive energy in the body. So what could be a different singular thought, actually I am where I’m supposed to be. Oh, and what’s the energy of that thought? For me that feels quite soothing. I am where I’m supposed to be. That feels soothing. I have within me gifts and skills that are unique to me. Oh, that feels very soothing. That actually feels like even more than soothing, kind of soothes that feeling, but it also starts to encourage me. I start to feel a little bit of encouragement bubbling up. So you can kind of just gently nudge yourself in that direction, exactly the way that in the macro long game scale, we keep nudging yourself with stepping in the directions of where we want to head to.

CLARE:

I love all of this. Just realized the time. I feel like I could talk to you for hours here, Kate, but I have found today’s chat so inspiring. I know the listeners will have as well. Kate, if people do want to connect with you or find out more about working with you, how can they do so?

KATE:

Absolutely. Come hang out with me on Instagram or any media at Kate Ruby Aroha, and also I’ve got a podcast which I’ve got Clare on and her episode’s going to be coming out soon and that’s called, She Leads a New Future. And if you like this conversation, I have conversations like this every single week and they take a lot of different forms on that podcast. So She Leads a New Future. I’d love to chat with you over there as well.

CLARE:

Amazing. And I’ll pop all of the links in the show notes for today’s episode so that you can reach out, make sure that you do connect with Kate, because she’s a fantastic person to follow online. Kate, thank you so much for taking the time to join us today. I really appreciate your time.

KATE:

Oh, thanks so much for having me.

CLARE:

Thanks so much for listening. If you love this episode, please share it with your audience, and don’t forget to tag me on Instagram at @Clare_wood_coach, and also make sure you hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Have an abundant week, and I look forward to talking to you again next week.

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