Why couples fight about money (and how to reduce the arguments)

* Transcript created by AI – may contain errors or omissions from original podcast audio

Money is one of the biggest reasons that couples fight, and it’s one of the most common reasons when people actually get divorced. So why is this such a challenging topic? Why do so many couples fight about money? And what can you do to reduce money conflict in your relationship?

We’ll be discussing this in today’s episode, so make sure you stick around.

Just a quick note before we dive in. Everything I share on this podcast is general in nature and does not take your personal circumstances into account. I’m not a licensed financial advisor, and nothing you hear on this podcast should be taken as personalized, financial, business, taxation or investment advice.

Before you make any financial decisions, please seek guidance from your accountant or a qualified licensed financial advisor who understands your specific situation.

So first of all, why is money such a triggering subject, particularly in an intimate relationship? We all agree money isn’t the most important thing in the world, but it is an important thing. Think about how many of our life decisions are affected by money. Where we’ll live, where we’ll holiday, how we’ll dress, where we’ll send our kids to school, how we’ll work.

If we’ll work, if we’ll both work, what support we’ll have around the house, how we’ll socialize, when we’ll retire, how we’ll retire. So when people say, I’m looking for love and money doesn’t matter, I call BS because it does matter greatly. Because it shapes your day-to-day reality.

So what are the reasons that couples fight about money? The first one is different lifestyle expectations, because sometimes you simply can’t afford the same lifestyle or you don’t want the same one. For example, holidays roll around and one person’s just happy to go camping down the road and the other one wants to go to a ski chalet in France.

I saw this in that show, love Is Blind, the American one, and you know these two people that there was a female who’d come from, she was living an affluent lifestyle and she fell deeply in love with this lovely guy, but he had a really simple life and the differences around money caused ultimately the breakdown of their relationship.

The next reason is having clashing money values. So maybe you are of a similar income or similar background. But the money fights come up because, one person thinks the other person spends too much. One person thinks the other person is too tight and doesn’t enjoy their life, or one person might perceive that the other one is really reckless with money and what’s sitting underneath this is money, values.

Because if designer clothes are important to one of you and the other one couldn’t care less, but they love boozy dinners out with friends, there’s a difference of values here. So it’s gonna cause conflict. ’cause one person prioritizes security while the other person prioritizes experiences. Now, I’m not saying that either is right or wrong, but misalignment without communication and getting on the same page is going to lead to conflict.

Okay. The next reason is avoidance and assumptions. So many couples completely avoid money conversations or just assume that the other person just knows. A lot of times we only talk about money when something’s going wrong, which means that these conversations are happening when emotions are high. We’re already stressed and someone’s either on the attack or already being defensive, which isn’t a great time to talk about anything, especially money.

So we can see there’s all these reasons why money conflicts can show up in a relationship. How do you actually reduce these money fights? Let’s get practical. First things first. If you’re not already past this, choose your partner well. Before you settle down, or if you’re early in a relationship, you need to talk about money.

Ask questions like, do we both want to work? What if we had children? Would we, one partner, stay at home, have conversations around what does a good life look like to you? Are you happy with a simple life or do you want abundance in all the things? Talk about how you like to spend money, how you feel about investing, saving.

Talk about how you’ll actually manage money as a couple. Will you share finances or will you keep them separate? Love is incredibly important. But we do live in the real 3D world, and so money and real life matters too. The next thing that you wanna be doing is making money a regular conversation, even if you are on the same page and you do have these conversations upfront, continue to have these conversations on the regular.

This should not be something that you talk about in an emergency situation. Because the biggest thing I see in couples who are on the same page who do reduce money conflict is that they talk about money regularly and calmly, and this is why I’m such a huge fan of money meetings. It’s weekly dedicated scheduled time to have these conversations on the regular.

Which leads me to the next point, get clear on your shared goals. A lot of times when there’s conflict around money, it’s usually because you are working towards the same goals and you feel like a team. Because when you are rowing in the same direction, individual spending decisions feel less threatening.

You’re like, Hey, aren’t we both in alignment that we’re working towards this thing, and that means that we’ve agreed that we’re not gonna spend in this way, in this way. So here’s the bottom line, money fights aren’t really just about the dollars. They’re about communication, expectation, values, and feeling heard.

You know, you don’t need to have perfect alignment in every single area when it comes to your finances, but you do need to have honest conversations because when money becomes something that you tackle together, it stops being a battlefield and it starts becoming a tool and that my friends changes everything.

If you are enjoying listening to the Intentional Money Show, I’d love to ask a quick favor, share it with a friend or a family member, or on your social media, because I would love for more people to be having conversations around money and having less conflict around money as well. Alrighty, have a beautiful week.

Thanks so much for tuning in. I’ll chat to you again next week.

* Transcript created by AI – may contain errors or omissions from original podcas