Turning around the shame you feel around money

* Transcript created by AI – may contain errors or omissions from original podcast audio

Have you ever looked at your bank account and thought, “I should be further ahead by now”? Maybe you feel embarrassed by your income, your debt, or your overall financial situation. That feeling, it’s not just frustration, it’s shame, and your shame is quietly keeping you stuck. So today we’re gonna be talking about money shame, but not just about money shame. We’re gonna flip the script so that you aren’t staying stuck in a shame cycle, but rather fueling change when it comes to your money.

Let’s take a quick step back for a second though, your stories and beliefs around money affect your relationship, your habits, and your behavior around your finances. All of us have money stories.

They’ve come from our childhood, our parents, our experiences in life. And our stories around money play out in the way that we are around money. So shame can show up as some of those stories that I mentioned in the intro for today’s episode. “I should be earning more.” “I’ve stuffed this up.” “I’m behind.” “I should’ve invested in whatever thing.”

My husband’s auntie actually said to me, which was about healthy shame. And I do think that small amounts of discomfort are helpful because if we didn’t have shame or we didn’t have any discomfort, we wouldn’t create growth, wouldn’t create change. However, living in shame, living in a shame spiral around your money is actually really unhelpful because it causes you to be paralyzed and stuck in the dead weight of the shame and the stories.

So if this is resonating and you’re thinking, “Oh, my gosh, I can really connect with that sense of shame when it comes to my money,” you might be wondering where does this come from?” So first and foremost, I’m gonna call out the elephant in the room. It might actually come from reality. Maybe your numbers aren’t where you want them to be.

You might have a lot of debt. You might not be earning as much money as you hoped that you would be. Maybe you haven’t invested the way that you hoped that you would’ve by now. And there, there might be some truth to the shame that you’re feeling. Maybe y- you aren’t where you wanna be.

However, a lot of the shame that we experience isn’t about the reality. It’s about the meaning that we attach to what is going on. So if you look at your bank account and it’s not where you’d hoped it would be, you might be creating a story around it. For example, “That means I’m bad with money. Oh, my gosh, I’m such a failure.

I’m not as successful as I should be.” You are taking what you’re seeing, and you are creating a story around it. And where do these stories come from? They come from a number of places. I’m gonna call out, first and foremost, social media because today’s day and age of Instagram and TikTok, we look online, and we see people, on yachts and flying business class, and we can sometimes get this feeling like, “I should be doing these things,” or, “This is where I should be.”

I’m sure you’ve seen that MTV show Cribs. Social media can really be putting expectations around where other people are and making you feel a certain way. Perhaps you also have age benchmarks. I know that I do. I think, every time that I reach a new, a milestone when it comes to my age, I think, “I should be here by now,” or, “I should’ve paid off my house by now,” or, “I should own so many investment properties by this age.”

Perhaps it resonates for you. You’re thinking, “I thought by this age I’d be in a different place.” Or another place that expectations might come from is your family. Maybe you’ve come from a really wealthy family who have been encouraging you to be earning more. Or maybe you have been in social circles where you in that cycle of trying to keep up with the Joneses, and you think, “How is everyone else doing it so much better than I am?”

So the key thing that I want you to take out of this is it’s not just your bank balance that’s causing the shame, it’s the story that you are telling yourself about it that’s really creating that discomfort.

I mentioned earlier that shame can be a really unhelpful experience, and that it can be keeping you stuck. So what happens when you are in a shame spiral? The first thing that can happen is that you go into avoidance mode. You’re like, “Oh my gosh, it’s too overwhelming. I can’t deal with that.” And so what you do off the back of that is you don’t check your bank accounts.

You avoid making decisions around money. Maybe you use drugs or alcohol just to switch off because it’s easier to numb than it is to actually face the discomfort. You might also find that you go into paralysis. So you just think, “I’ll just keep doing things the way that I’ve always done things because I am too overwhelmed and stressed, and I don’t know how to move forward from here.”

Or maybe you are having a lot of anxiety and overthinking, and you’re stuck in these, “I should do this. I don’t know what to do. Ah.” And you’re not taking any action because your mind is just racing. Or another thing that you might find that happens when you are in a shame cycle is that you go into ego protection.

You think, “I’m not gonna tell anyone what’s really going on for me. I’m not gonna reach out and get help.” I’m just gonna have to try and figure this out. But here’s something that I wanna share with you because a lot of times we, with our stories that we have, we are thinking what other people might be thinking.

And I wanna share with you, I’m a CPA. I worked as an accountant, as an analyst. When I look at numbers, I am not judging. I’ve seen all kinds of things in people’s bank accounts over the years as a business coach, as a finance coach, and for me, I’m like, it doesn’t really matter to me.

I’m simply asking, “Okay what are we gonna do about it?” This is exactly the same that I used to be when I worked in big corporations. “Okay, business is down. What’s the game plan moving forward?” It’s unhelpful to sit there feeling bad or sorry for yourself. The key thing is “Okay, how are we gonna move forward from here?”

And truthfully, and I guess maybe this is ’cause I’m an accountant, numbers are just numbers on a page. At the end of the day, it’s not about where you’ve been, it’s about where you’re going.

If any of this is resonating, you might be wondering, “Okay, I recognize that I am in a space of shame,” and you wanna change it. You’re like, “Okay, let me get out of this. Let me get into actually doing something about it.” the first thing is you need to tell the truth. So yes, you do need to dive in and have a look at the numbers.

All of them, not just the ones that you know look good. Actually dive in and say, “Okay, what is this telling me?” Because you can’t fix what you won’t face, and whether this is in your business or your personal finances, actually getting in and having a look is the first step. Then the next step is to separate facts from feelings.

So facts are things like your revenue or your income, your level of debt, your net worth position. Those are things that are fact. Whereas feelings are things like the guilt, the fear, the embarrassment. That’s not real. That’s the stories that you’re telling about it. If you’re listening to this podcast, chances are maybe you don’t feel like it as you’re listening, but you’re probably one of the wealthiest people on the planet, and I don’t mean that in the top one to 2%.

Maybe you are. But I think we forget that if you look at everyone on the planet, there are billions and billions of people on the planet, and a lot of people don’t even have the bare necessities for life. If you’re listening to this podcast, I’m guessing you’ve got access to food, water, internet, technology to listen to this.

You’re already privileged. You’re rich beyond what a lot of people imagine. I know I’ve shared this story on the podcast before, but I remember the first time I was in Bali, and I was getting a foot massage and the lady said to me you rich miss.” And I laughed. I was 27 at the time.

I certainly didn’t identify as being rich. And I said, “Oh, no. No I’m not rich.” And she said, “How did you get here?” And I said on a plane.” And she’s “Then you’re rich.” And I won’t forget that because it was such an aha moment for me. If you are privileged in any way, remember that there are a lot of people on this planet who would already consider you beyond wealthy.

And it’s important to remember that because, maybe your numbers aren’t where you want them to be, but you are already a lot wealthier than probably most people on the planet. So the next step in action… And with all of that in mind, it’s still okay to wanna create more financial security, to wanna create more wealth, to wanna create more income.

That’s okay if that desire is there for you. And if that is your goal, if that is what you’re working towards, the next step will be helpful for you. So the next step is to drop the ego and get some help. This is where a lot of people stall. I don’t wanna pick on an entire gender, but sometimes men can struggle with this more than women.

But sometimes you can have the mindset of I should be able to figure this out.” And I just wanna pose this to you. If you haven’t been able to figure it out by now, maybe it is time to call in some help. Consider getting a coach, talking to an accountant, a mentor, financial advisor, joining a program.

Because you can either keep repeating your old patterns or you can get new input to start to change what’s going on. And the next thing that I really want you to do is to take imperfect action. Again, a lot of times when we are like, “I’m gonna change my financial situation,” we think that it needs to be an all or nothing next step.

But here’s the thing. You can just do just the one thing, and it will start moving you closer to where you wanna be. If eating the elephant all at once is way too overwhelming, just take one bite. Take that one next step. I tell people this inside my membership all the time. I’m like, “Don’t try and change everything overnight,” ’cause it will feel really overwhelming.

If you just chip away at it bit by bit, for example, inside we went and reviewed insurances, and I’m like, “Hey, if you are reviewing one insurance policy a month and starting to save money there, by the end of the year, you’ll have come ahead leaps and bounds.” If you set up a transfer and start putting money aside now, guess what?

You’ve taken that first step. Because momentum kills shame. It’s very empowering when you do start taking action.

So the biggest thing that I want you to take away is that whatever is going on with your money at the moment, don’t make it your entire identity. You’re not someone who’s bad with money. You just haven’t had the right tools yet. And when you start to say, “I am good with money,” or, “I’m getting better with money,” maybe that resonates more, “I’m getting better with money,” that identity shift leads to a behavior shift.

If you have an underpinning story, “I’m not good with money,” it’s gonna become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So to sum up today’s episode all about shame when it comes to money, shame doesn’t fix your finances. Clarity and actions do. So you don’t need to wait till it’s perfect, you’ve got it all figured out.

Take that next step towards your empowerment because your bank account doesn’t care about your shame, but it will respond to clear strategies.

* Transcript created by AI – may contain errors or omissions from original podcast audio